I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Boobs speak an international language.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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