dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
