Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
