my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
