I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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