Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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