I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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