i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
