We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
