so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
