Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
there is puke in my bra ... again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
