dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
