it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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