you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
