piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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