then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
