Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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