Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
