I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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