I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Two words: nipple clamps
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