She is in my trunk
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
