do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
