i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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