They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize