hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
