so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
