hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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