She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
