ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
