alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
