I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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