i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
