my mouth tastes like poor choices
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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