the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
