I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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