You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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