im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize