I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
