I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
did i walk over a car last night?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
