Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
