the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
