Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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