I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
