She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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