I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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