Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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