remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize