Who did Billy Mays play for?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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