When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
