she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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