Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
