He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Help. Why am I so naked?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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