As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
