Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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