dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
