in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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