Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
