My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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