Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
