i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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