My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
