saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
