i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
