I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
