Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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